Yes, she's here

She is here – finally. 16 days past my edd, and a birth experience that turned out very different from what I wished for. But that doesn’t matter now. It’s all about getting to know each other, sleeping, carrying, folding and changing diapers, cuddling and nursing.

And hopefully some time to get into blogging again… :)

Did I mention the cuddling?

Thoughtful friday #1

Pregnancy is a process that invites you to surrender to the unseen force behind all life.
-Judy Ford

The journey

Photos taken on holiday this autumn. I stumbled upon these while searching my computer for something entirely different. Soon, at least soonish, these photos will fade into a wage (but good) memory, and the doll will be substituted with a baby. Another person. A real person. I need to tell myself this quite often. Although I’m well into the second trimester and the baby moves around in there like crazy sometimes, even though my energy levels are at an all time low, my back hurts already and I have the occasional attack of heartburn. Still – I need to remind myself – I need to try and get the idea of having another person in our life – our family. It’s very strange and hard to get used to. I guess it’s something I/we cannot prepare ourselves to – it happens, and we’ll have to take it from there.

It has been, and still is occasionally, a bit hard. This pregnancy is so different from the first one, but still so similar. I’m pregnant at another time of the year, and that has definitely made the first trimester (with the extreme nausea) even harder – especially emotionally. It was a tough ride for all of us as a family.

It’s better now – so much better without the nausea. I can feel happiness again, I can feel the rollercoaster ride of emotions linked to (I guess) every pregnancy. Butterflies and shooting stars. Euphoria and anxiety. The waiting, the preparing, the getting ready, the reading of articles and books (all the things you forget in just a few years!), the internet surfing on forums and web shops (all the things you’re told you need… well, that’s a good thing about the second time around – you know you don’t need much), the talks with friends and family about their experiences and expectations, the choice making…



But here I am, and soon here she/he is, and we’re all waiting and trying to get used to the idea in our own way. What an adventure, and what a spiritual journey it is. For all of us. Motherhood, fatherhood, becoming a sister. That’s what I’m hoping and aspiring to write more about; the spiritual journey of pregnancy and birth. And what a blessing to be pregnant now – when the sun is soon to be “born” on the winter solstice.

Remember

As I mentioned earlier... One of the ways we remember and honor our ancestors is by having an "ancestor wall". One big wall is covered with photos of our grandmothers and fathers and other family members. In the middle is a small shelf to light candles, put some fresh flowers in a vase, write a message or display other objects to help us remember, connect, honor. This way we're always reminded of them and of our connection... Somehow they are still with us. And we'll always have opportunities to talk about them with our daughter - share stories and small facts. We'll always and everyday have a place to go to light a candle and just be quiet for a moment. And we don't have to go anywhere, because they are here. With us.

A visit

We've "visited" great grandmother and great grandfather at the cemetery today. Sunflowers was my grandfathers favorite flower - he used to scatter sunflower seeds around where the vegetable garden used to be... he didn't have the health or energy to grow as much potatoes as he used to for the last few years. So sunflowers it was. He fed the birds through winter and then enjoyed his sunflower forest in the summer. So whenever I see a sunflower I think of him, and of all the memories and good times we spent together.








We're not at the cemetery very often. And I know why. I really think it is a strange and unfamiliar way (to me anyway) to remember and honor deceased friends and family. The funeral was even more estranged to me. It felt as it had nothing at all to do with my grandfather or grandmother. I couldn't see them anywhere - I could not see anything in the ceremony that reminded me of them, remembered them or respected them as the people they where. Nothing. It was all so cold, unfamiliar... Lots and lots of words without meaning and feeling, lots of memorized phrases of courtesy.

They were not Christians. We're not Christians. Still, we had a Christian (protestant) funeral. Because that's what you do. I don't understand that. Really don't. So I'm writing my will and testament to prevent this from happening to me (and my family) when I'm passing over. It's disrespectful, cold and not made for people in loss and mourning. Or people in general. Period.





But we still visit this place from time to time. And although our 4 year old doesn't understand the concept of death and dying, the visits gives us opportunities to remember and talk about her great grandparents. But as pagans we have other ways of honoring them - ways that feel much more in tune with who we are, who they were and the relationship we had. Ways that still connect us instead of bringing us further apart.

I'll write more about that later.